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Zur Verhandlung kommt heuer die Strafsache Mustermann ./. Mustermann. Angeklagte: Elke und Bernhard Mustermann. Meine Damen und Herren, erheben Sie sich zur Ehren des Gerichts.
Richter:
Meine Damen und Herren, verehrte Geschworene, wertes Brautpaar! Zunächst einmal werde ich die Anklageschrift verlesen: Vor nicht allzu langer Zeit spielte sich in der Firma Pömpelmann ein schreckliches Drama ab.
Ein junger Mann verfolgte ein junges Mädchen, stach ihr in die Augen, verdrehte ihr den Kopf und durchbohrte ihr Herz.
(Die Geschworenen stöhnen bei jeder einzelnen Greueltat laut auf, etwa so: Uuh, aahhh, .....)
Der Attentäter wurde nach jahrelangen Ermittlungen gestellt und dingfest gemacht. Aufgrund dieser Tatsache wurden beide im Kasten des Standesamtes aufgehängt. Das Tatmotiv soll Liebe gewesen sein.
Daraufhin wurden bei unter starker Bewachung zur Gerichtsverhandlung und zum unvermeidlichen Antritt ihrer Freiheitsstrafe hierher geführt.
Sie werden Gelegenheit haben, über die Folgen ihres bodenlosen Leichtsinns nachzudenken.
Das Gericht wird nun zu Klärung des Falles folgende Fragen stellen:
Wo habt Ihr Euch kennengelernt?
Geschworene: Melodie: Es kann der Frömmste nicht in Frieden leben....
Es kann der Barni nicht in Frieden leben, wenn ihm die schöne Nachbarin gefällt, wenn ihm das Schicksal solche schönen Beine unter den Schreibtisch stellt.
Richter: Opfer Elke, was dachtest Du, als Du den Angeklagten das erste Mal im Büro gesehen hast?
Geschworene: Melodie: So ein Mann, so ein Mann..
So ein Mann, so ein Mann zieht mich unwahrscheinlich an. Dieser Wuchs, diese Kraft, weckt in mir die Leidenschaft.
Richter: Angeklagter, wie bist Du anschließend Deinem Rendezvous nachgekommen?
Geschworene: Melodie: Resi, ich hol' Di mit dem Traktor ab
Elke, ich hol' Di mit mei'm Moped ab. Elke, mit Dir da mach' ich niemals net' schlapp und dann spiel' i' Mundharmonika, denn romantisch bin ich ja a'.
Richter: Und was hast Du Deinem Opfer dann immer wieder versprochen?
Geschworene: Melodie: Ich mach ein glückliches Mädchen aus Dir
Ich mach ein glückliches Mädchen aus Dir, jeden Tag, jede Nacht, was Du Dir wünschest bekommst Du von mir, jeden Tag, jede Nacht.
Richter: Gesteh' nun Angeklagter, was hast Du gedacht, als Elke zum ersten Mal gesehen hast?
Geschworene: Melodie: Geld ist nicht wichtig, aber scheen muß ´se sein
Geld ist nicht wichtig, aber scheen muß ´se sein, nett muß ´se sein und was für's Herz muß ´se sein. Geld ist nicht wichtig, aber scheen muß ´se sein, nett muß ´se sein, nur für mich.
Richter: Und was dachtet Ihr im Augenblick der Tat?
Geschworene: Melodie: Wir sind alle kleine Sünderlein
Wir sind alle kleine Sünderlein, ´s war immer so, ´s war immer so, Englein werden wir im Himmel sein, ´s war immer so, ´s war immer so.
Richter: Und was sagte Elke dazu?
Geschworene: Melodie: Barni, mach noch einmal die sanfte Bewegung
Barni, mach noch einmal die sanfte Bewegung, Barni, ach das bringt mich ja so in Erregung, ich fühle mich selig von der Erde entrückt, nachdem Du mir zärtlich meine Busen gedrückt.
Richter: Ja sag ´mal Bernhard, hattest Du keine Bedenken, daß Deine Tat Folgen haben könnte...?
Geschworene: Melodie: Jedes Jahr ein Kind
Jedes Jahr ein Kind, jedes Jahr ein Kind, bis wir deutscher Meister sind, jedes Jahr ein Kind, jedes Jahr ein Kind, bis wir deutscher Meister sind.
Richter: Elke, wie wirst Du den Angeklagten in der Hochzeitsnacht begrüßen?
Geschworene: Melodie: Zwei Apfelsinen im Haar
Zwei Apfelsinen im Haar und um die Hüften Bananen, in einem Kokosnußkleid, wie wohl der Bernhard sich freut.
Richter: Und Du Bernhard?
Geschworene: Melodie: Wir steigern das Bruttosozialprodukt
Ja jetzt wird wieder in die Hände gespuckt, wir steigern das Bruttosozialprodukt, ja, ja jetzt wird wieder in die Hände gespuckt, wir steigern das Bruttosozialprodukt.
Richter: Da hat das Gericht Zweifel, denn Tatsache ist doch wohl...
Geschworene: Melodie: Stille Nacht
Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht, Bernhard schläft, Elke wacht.
Richter: Opfer Elke, was wirst Du Deinem Mann das erste Mal kochen?
Geschworene: Melodie: Eisgekühlter Bomalunder
Eisgekühlter Wodka-Lemmon, Wodka-Lemmon eisgekühlt, Eisgekühlter Wodka-Lemmon, Wodka-Lemmon eisgekühlt und dazu ein belegtes Brot mit Schinken, ein belegtes Brot mit Ei, das sind zwei belegte Brötchen, eins mit Schinken eins mit Ei.
Richter: Opfer Elke, wie soll bei Euch der rauhe Alltag aussehen?
Geschworene: Melodie: Das bißchen Haushalt.
Das bißchen Haushalt, hab' ich mir gedacht, macht der Barni, das bißchen Haushalt, ja mein lieber Schatz, das ist für Dich ja nur ein Klacks.
Richter: Angeklagter Bernhard, wie verbringst Du die Freizeit?
Geschworene: Melodie: Bier und ´nen Apfelkorn
Bier und ´ne Kugel schieben, schalalalala, Bier und ´ne Kugel schieben, schalalalala, Bier und ´ne Kugel schieben, schalalalala, ist gut, ist gut, ist prima.
Richter: Wie gestaltest Du dann den Heimweg?
Geschworene: Melodie: Münster in ´ne schöne Stadt
Dort ist ja ein Freudenhaus, jupheidi, juppheida, da gibt es manch' nette Maus, juppheidi, heida.
Richter: Opfer Elke, was denkst Du, wenn Dein Mann seinem Hobby frönt?
Geschworene: Melodie: Junge, komm bald wieder
Junge, komm bald wieder, bald wieder nach Haus, Junge denk an morgen, denn Du mußt früh ´raus.
Richter: Was glaubst Du Elke, wie es bei Euch in 25 Jahren aussehen wird?
Geschworene: Melodie: Wenn es Dich noch gibt, sag' wo ich Dich finde
Wenn es "IHN" noch gibt, sag wo ich "IHN" finde, ich brauch "IHN" immer noch, kannst Du das nicht verstehen?
Richter: Seid Ihr gewillt, Eure Silberhochzeit schwungvoll mit uns zu feiern?
Geschworene: Melodie: So ein Tag, so wunderschön wie heute
So ein Tag so wunderschön wie heute, so ein Tag der dürfte nie vergehen. In 25 Jahren, das wissen wir schon heute, da werden wir uns wiedersehen.
Richter:
Damit beende ich die Beweisführung und komme zur Urteilsverkündung:
Nach §456a3 aus dem Strafgesetzbuch der Sitte verurteilen wir Euch zu gemeinsamer Zwangsarbeit. Ihr seid verpflichtet, mit den hier anwesenden Geschorenen eine Runde zu heben. Die Sitzung ist geschlossen.
Alle: Einer geht noch, einer geht noch rein........
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